Life is so much better after having sex.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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