She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
