just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
