My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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