He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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