he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
