Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
