Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
