at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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