It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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