You're completely useless in the revolution.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
