Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
