We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
what day is it and did you see me today?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
