I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
