Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
