omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
