i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize