we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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