I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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