I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
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