I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
