You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
