Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
