If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
