I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
