We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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