you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
