Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
