Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
