just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
