You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Randomize
