Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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