"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
