Too much gin, very little bucket
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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