ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
