I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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