my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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