I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
