I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
