New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
