Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
