If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
