Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
