I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
We need to feng shui this bitch.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
