2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
