My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
