Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
