possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
