Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
