I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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