im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
