just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
