I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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